im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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