How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
