@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
