Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
