Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
