She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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