I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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