Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
