And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
