I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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