Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How does one acquire holy water?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
