im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
