Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
