It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
