I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
