Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
