I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
