I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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