tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
