How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
