Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
porn star boner night. come get it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
