Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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