i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
