they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
