apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My pussy is not your playground.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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