So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
