the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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