i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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