i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
