I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
