It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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