He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
