I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
