Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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