I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
