you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize