i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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