I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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