so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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