DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
