The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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