Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
