If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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