bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
barbara walters just said penis...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
