took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
