i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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