i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
