Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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