the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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