Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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