sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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