i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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