So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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