Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
