Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
