I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
