Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
