we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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