Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My cat gives me a boner
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
